Ep. 1: Do Not Let Kids Win
Show Notes
Such a provocative title, am I right? In this episode, Dr. Deborah Burton shares personal experiences that highlight some of the struggles of parenting.
Parents want what is “best” for their kids, but kids usually think other things are best! Navigating this dance with your kids can be a bit like arm wrestling. There will be days where you are losing, but there must be days where you are winning. Our goal is to guide our kids forward and teach them how to thrive on their own.
But while they are young, kids may not be equipped with the skills to make the choices they want to. Parents all have different styles, but it is a good idea for you to put more weight on doing the things you choose versus doing what kids want.
The options young kids often want to make are usually not the good ones! Their choices frequently include things where they choose what they want to do and to do it for as long as they want. Clearly, their goal is to set their own time limits. Allowing young kids to make these choices early does not help them to understand that adults will set the limits.
Do not feel that you must allow them to make those choices! Early on, you need to let kids FEEL like they are making choices may by offering them several options that you choose; choices that all fall into your acceptable range. Do not include their choices that are not on your list of options.
Know what your goals are
The key is for YOU to decide what you want so you can be proactive about getting them instead of being reactive and responsive to what they want!
As kids get older, they should be given more freedom to make their choices; however, the ability to make choices should be something that is earned. Toddlers are demanding and that is to be expected; however, it is not pretty when kids grow up and continue to act like toddlers!
As exhausting as parenting is, there may be times you just don’t have the strength to push. “Pick your battles” is the classic parenting rally cry. But you must not forget that there will STILL be plenty of battles to fight, on a daily basis! If you are not experiencing a tug of war, you may have let kids win.
Understand the ultimate goal
Compromise. Yes, not particularly shocking, but there must be a compromise. Parents must decide what they want for their kids and then expect to NOT reach those goals!. But if you set your goals high enough, the compromise will be a raging success!
Listen to this episode where Dr. Burton shares insights into raising her kids. Many listeners have read and heard about her successful daughters, but the struggles of early parenting were real. There will be many times when you might want to quit and let kids win, but you must find the strength to keep going.
Each time you stop working toward the goals you have, you allow your child to get one step closer to winning and making all the decisions. I have seen kids in my office who reached this stage. This is not a good look on a teenager. Hopefully, this podcast will motivate you and inspire you to make the commitment to not let kids win!
5 things you should accept about parenting
- You need to make a plan for how you want to raise your kids
- Your kids are going to push back, away from your plan.
- You need to push them back, toward your plan.
- You will not win and will not achieve your goals
- BUT your kids should not win either!
We all love to win, but sometimes, not losing is an amazing accomplishment!
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32 comments
I would always want to go this approach. I dont want my future kids to think they can always win, then they will think they can do and get away with anything and that’s NOT true at all. My sister told me a funny story aboout her daughter yesterday – screaming the whole way home about wanting pizza, and then when she gets home, she goes to the bathroom and falls into the toilet and my sister just walks by, sees this and says KARMA and walks away! LOL!
I love that story. Our kids benefit from us showing them that just because they want something does not mean it will happen. Many parents, however, go out of their way to make it happen. That is not the real world!
Omg yes. My oldest son is such a stubborn little man and HAS to be first in everything and “WIN”. It’s been a bit frustrating at times <3 Thank you for sharing.
All kids love to win. Let’s be honest, we love to win too! We just have to teach them that losing is normal and expected. Time to deal with it.
Not giving up is definitely an important factor to parenting. Pushing your child in the right direction and supporting him/her is the ultimate key!
Parenting can be exhausting, but it is one of the most rewarding things we can do. Staying the course even when it is hard is important.
Great tips! I will definitely need to list to the podcast.
I would love you to check out my podcast. I am sharing new episodes weekly and would enjoy your feedback.
Parenting is one of the hardest but most rewarding jobs I have ever done. My daughter is a teenager now so she’s really trying to push from the plan but I lightly steer her back while allowing her to have her own freedom of speech and choice x
Your description is so accurate. My daughters are in their 20s and each phase came with new pushback and we are there to let them grow slowing. They want to advance to things too fast.
This sounds like a wonderful episode for people with children to have a listen to – thank you for the run down.
Yes I am sharing lots of parenting and healthcare tips. Feel free to share it with friends or family who have kids.
Understanding the ultimate goal makes it easier for me to say no if Ifeel the need. Admittedly that has gotten easier as I’ve grown up more too. 😉
yes, that is the flip side of parenting. We are doing on the job training as well, so we learn how to explain what we want and why we want it and that is more helpful to them
Growing up, my mom would just look at my sister or I and we knew to behave. Sometimes I wonder about parents who seem to let their kids “win” and run around yelling and screaming. Maybe they have just conceded in the fight? 🙂
Haha I actually wrote a blog post about “Eye Speak”. Meaning parents should be able to look across the room and their kids know they need to stop doing something. That is a great achievement!
I am not yet a parent but looking forward to having our own children. I will take note of your tips and will share this to my mommy friends to let them check it and see how it can help them.
Thank you so much. I would love you to share my podcast with mommy friends who can get some of these weekly tips.
I agree with what you’re saying about parenting. Kids shouldn’t have too much autonomy at too young an age.
As kids get older and understand their responsibilities and consequences, then we increase their independence.
Parenting is a constant battle everyday with our heart to accept or let kids learn at this age. I am learning every day with my kids.
Indeed, learning as a parent never ends. I am still struggling with young adult kids who don’t know certain things and I briefly feel bad for not teaching them. We are not perfect, but we do our best.
I dunno which concept is best.. but i guess it takes time to explore, which is most suitable to each and every unique kiddos..
All kids and parents are unique but the processes they go through are not. If you do not teach kids boundaries and consequences early, it is very hard for them to accept them later when they are more independent.
Love your logo. And I just love the five things about parenting. Thank you so much for this post.
Thank you. My daughter is a graphic designer and she made the logo. I love it too. Glad you enjoyed my tips and hope you subscribe to follow on my journey.
We’ve never “let” our kids win. We teach them that it’s ok to lose and that everyone deserves the chance to win
That is a great concept. Everyone loses at some point so it is normal and expected. Many kids do not know that.
it certainly puts a spin on how i think as a parent!
I am hopeful that it empowers parents to accept that they will not always get what they want but also consider why the child should think they can always get what they want. Compromise is the name of the game!
This was a great post really thought provoking
I am hopeful that it will help people understand why we ask the questions that we do!